Today I ran a loss+grief+trauma+shame workshop with 4 amazing single homeless/at risk moms – working in job training internships to try to move their families in a better direction. I love when I get to do this work.
In our time together I told them that shame keeps us isolated, disconnected – that when we feel too bad to tell the truth that we cut ourselves off – that when other people don’t want to hear what we have to say because it is painful that it marginalizes us. I told them that it takes amazing bravery to set aside shame and be real.
This has left me with a terrible conflict tonight.
I am having a not very good day to under-state it. Everything feels overwhelming. Yesterday I used the last set of “tickets” that George had arranged – for Derek Jeter’s last game. It was a great day – and then it was over. No more tickets (that’s not really the problem) – George is really dead and he will never orchestrate anything for us – not dinner, not a bike ride, not a dance, not a trip, not our retirement, not anything. That’s done. Done. He really is gone. I am on my own – alone at the end of the day.
Then there’s a million other things – stressors that aren’t worth talking about because they aren’t big problems – common – finances, work, I lost my glasses – yes, they’re really gone, and I’m tired, I’ve been sick for almost three weeks. Tired.
But in honor of the four wonderful young moms I met today, I am going to be honest about how I feel today. I am going to make people uncomfortable. I am embarrassed about my feelings – “ashamed” really in the way that shame acts to make us hide things.
Today I miss George too much. I feel depleted. I don’t feel much hope. Today I feel like a lot of my life is behind me – years wise – and good times wise. I’ve had a good life – I have amazing kids and have had amazing experiences. The kids are grown up – I am not needed on a day to day basis. I have worked hard – and maybe done my best. I got to have a very intense, very close, very nourishing, wild romance – and then it ended abruptly. Today it feels like the best is behind me and I am having trouble focusing on moving ahead. I’m tired and sad – depleted. Yeah – that actually makes sense. But I am not sure that anyone wants to hear that.