I think what I am trying to describe about this love is something about the head and the heart…frustratingly not very clear right now. It was clear to me 3 days ago when I went for a long bike ride on Nantucket – another first without George – biking from the house to Madaket…Last Columbus Day – a year ago – we drove to Madaket and then George ran home – about 7 miles. I can still see him running on the bike path – but I can’t catch up to him anymore.

Neither of us expected to fall in love with the other. We talked about that – a lot. I don’t really know why George continued to connect with me that first year – I’m not even sure why I continued to connect with him after our first two visits. They were hard.

Nine months (a standard period of gestation…) after we first got together again I traveled to NYC to take George to see Spiderman for his birthday – I’ve already written about my heart opening when the little girls sitting in front of us climbed on George and sat on his lap. He was magnetic and a natural with them. That was the hook for me – no confusion about that. I felt it. George felt us that day too – though I am so sorry that I never asked him about this. What was the hook for him? It will remain an unanswered question…

I’ve written about our second first kiss the next day – in Penn Station. I honestly don’t remember the first one. I wish I did. George surprised me by kissing me good bye – the beginning of love like neither of us ever imagined – beyond how we love/loved our kids. We talked about that – we loved each other as much as we loved our kids – neither of us ever expected to be in a relationship with this much love – to love this much.

I fell in love with George this time because he was smart and kind and caring. This is the same answer I gave George every time he asked why I loved him. Every time – and he asked a lot – and I mean a lot. I will have to think more about the first time…but this time is clear.

I initially fell in love with George this time I think in part because I kept showing up – even though he was scarred and barbed – reactive and defensive and critical. I – someone who takes almost everything personally – somehow didn’t take most any of this personally. I have no idea why or how. I must have followed my heart. I fell in love with George because I disregarded the downsides – and a host of red flags. I even remember talking myself through the showing up – no expectations – no criticisms I told myself. Just experience. Experience the present I think I meant. I, who specialize in overthinking things and in running away, somehow didn’t run away. I came close a few times…

I even remember  – at the beginning – laughing to myself about ignoring the small things – George’s lovely but chilly apartment – with the not-so-clean bathroom – it didn’t matter. I have no idea why. I followed my heart – I didn’t let my head get too involved. I kept showing up. My head followed along, took a few notes, and I took a lot of deep breaths – and let my heart lead. My heart took me to the best places – with the best person.

Now I’m holding my breath – which is what happens when I think about George or think about George and me. I don’t breathe much. Not as much as I used to…

Maybe I fell in love with George in part because he fell in love with me first – he told me on the NJ Turnpike. His trademark sidelong look. Train station, highway…We were often on the move. I miss being on the move with George…

George was almost all heart – no superego – really almost none. Certainly his remarkable brain and his huge heart operated pretty separately. Almost everyone who loves him would agree.

He fell in love with me first – with passion and delight. I remember so many moments. I cherish so many moments. The words – the looks – the touches. George was practiced at falling in love – and I don’t say that critically.

My George (and I say that partly tongue in cheek) loved against all odds.

It is time to tell what I know and feel I can share of George’s story.