I am asked a lot if this time of year is harder – are the holidays triggers. I’m not sure.

I am asked about triggers – you know the big days, big markers…

I wish that was it. I wish that my traumatic grief was about the big landmarks. But it is about the time of day – if I am home at sunset I wait for George over and over and over. To be with him – to be with him. If I see a bright star. If a news headline catches my attention. If Kita does a certain thing – I start to call George. To share the wonder, the good news and the bad. If I have a really good experience – or a really challenging experience – I start to call George. To celebrate or debrief. If the light shines a certain way or a song comes on or a plan needs to be made. If I have a challenge with a financial matter – or if I am not sure what to say to one of the kids – or if I’m exhausted – or need something at the grocery store. If I have a decision to make or am aggravated by all the dog fur everywhere – or if I see something beautiful or sad…all triggers. All make me call, look for or think about George. All. Tonight I was sure George was coming home. Just for a second – that second is enough to bring me to my knees. I m not sure about the big days.

Advertisements