George died 14 1/2 months ago.
Year two has been interesting so far.
So many upsides – new work that involves a fabulous business partner, travel and learning so much. All engaging, energizing, exciting.
I’ve moved into the early stages of a new relationship – slowly – maybe. Like any new relationship.
I didn’t expect a new relationship. If I lucked into one, I expected challenges – but they have not been what I expected (when am I going to learn about expectations???). Rather than having trouble connecting (which I expected), I am having trouble with separation. It is not literally being away from someone I really don’t know that well – it is the familiarity of the experience of connection followed by separation. Like when George was sitting up talking to me and then when I left to walk the dog he died. That kind of feeling of loss in separation. That kind of feeling of loss that brings me to my knees.
And while I have been able to use disconnection to numb the pain over the past 14 months, I can’t find the numbness for now. So the equation is take away the numbness, add connection, and add the kind pain that takes my breath away and replaces breath with monstrous anxiety – the kind of pain and anxiety I thought I had moved past (when am I going to learn about moving past?).
It is summer (well spring – but this year we have gone from winter to summer!). With spring and summer has come the realization that I was barely conscious for last spring and summer (and fall) after George died. I don’t remember much of it – a black hole of grief and sadness. Of post traumatic stress check out. I lost so much time – after I lost so much of George. I am stunned and saddened by this loss of time…I am trying to remaster time…it’s slow going…
It is spring and time to get our – my – beach house ready for the season. I’m here – in the place that George loved more than any place. I’m here by myself – the second time I’ve tried this by myself – to adjust – to get comfortable once again in a place where my soul has always lived – if one’s soul actually lives anywhere…And yes my soul is still at home here – but in more pain than anywhere else.
So now I will walk Kita – without George – and take a bike ride – without George – and watch the rest of the movie I started – without George – and go to yoga – and take George with me – even though we never did yoga together. I will take him with me – breathe him in and breathe him out – trying to find the right place for him…the right space…holding him in my heart and still being able to breathe…