I am off on a big adventure. Half way around the world. With so much beauty and so much kindness and so much pain in the culture.

You would love this trip and in this moment of transition in a Cambodian airport I am missing you as much as ever. These flashes of pain catch me off guard. I wonder if the intensity of these flashes will ever lessen. The pain takes my breath away, stabs me in the  gut – and puts a strangle hold on my heart. I can’t think. Really can’t think.

This happens when the loss is familiar – evocative – even simple. Looking back…A connection charged with so much potential that cannot be realized. I understood…There was no potential. Just charge. It was just two days. Less really. And in the ending that I understood so well from the start would be swift and clean (until the door was left open a tiny crack – that made it much less clean), I was hoping that this was meant to serve me.

I thought about it…

Maybe it was this. He is with you she said. She was talking about my George – a month or so ago. He will watch out for you. He will intervene if they are not good to you and he will send love your way. Hmmm…accept that I told myself…this trip is the exercise on accepting that…trusting that…

And then I opened a piece of daily email wisdom I receive and it read: You cannot control circumstances. You never intended to control circumstances. You intended to discover unconditional love. You intended to discover a way to feel good, no matter what, because you have the facility: you have the power: you have the ability to focus.

Hmmm…eerily spot on…

Maybe this journey is about trusting that. Not so much trusting that Georgie is looking out for me (though I believe he is – he taught me so well) but that I’ve come to live in a way that is open to love and kindness more every day. And the love flows in. And it’s always good. And the letting go is part of it I guess. Learning…learning to trust…learning to trust that…still learning about letting go…

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