I am aware that being 2 weeks away from the third anniversary of losing George is nudging, provoking, awakening, disturbing, disrupting all kinds of thoughts and feelings. I get that. I am ok with that. I am even ok with not writing about losing George and all of the fallout any more. I have learned to navigate the fallout – with grace and equanimity – and most of the time with ease. What I am not ok with is all of the suppressed pain that people I love feel around loss – with all of the shame and quiet and fear. So I am continuing to share my feelings to honor so many wonderful people who feel speechless around their trauma and loss.

Here is my thought for tonight – shared at dinner with my fabulous friend MRK. I wonder how George could be so big and strong and loving and present – and here with me every day and night for so long – with me, next to me, around me, and so on – and then just gone. Dematerialized.

I am practicing letting go of that kind of love – the big, physical, real kind – falling in love and letting go…But the practice is still not easy – and I still wonder…how can something that matters so much just disappear into the air and stars…into my memory and the invisible matter that makes me who I am…navigating the universe…